How to Pick a Worthwhile Fic
by clichebusters
Summary: How to spend less time searching for a good story and more time reading them. 'It's BAAAACK...'
1. Morons

"HARRY!" Ron managed to gasp through a fit of laughter.

"Mmm?" Harry walked into the room, eyebrows raised. "What's so funny?"

"THIS-ha ha ha.- This MORON!" the redhead shrieked. He pointed to the out-of-place monitor screen in front of him.

Harry strode over to where his best friend was messing around on the computer his father had brought back to the Burrow for testing and bent over to view the screen. "Fan Fiction? Wha- Does that say 'Harry Potter'?"

Ron stopped laughing and gave Harry a look. "I'm not even going to ask…"

"Ask what?"

"Just… just look at this."

Harry read what must've been someone's lame attempt at a title, 'Harryz New G/F!', and chuckled. He noticed the summary below: 'Amy Johnson, a gorjus American gurl, comez to Hogwartz and Harry fallz in love wit her! LOL, its my 1st story so no FLAMEZ!'. "This is pathetic. I mean, really… Wait, how are these people… Ron?"

Ron glanced at his bookshelf, where Harry Potters 1-7 stood in perfect order. He shook his head and left the room.


	2. Introduction

**How to Write a Worthwhile Fic**

**A tutorial for inexperienced, unsatisfied, and generally bad writers**

**A/N: All comments are strictly speculative and, I know, do not apply to every person/ idea/ story out there. Stop e-mailing me.**

There comes a time in few writers' lives when their books, stories, and poems become published works well-known and respected throughout the general public. These people, in my own objective point of view, are some of the most talented creatures on this earth. The ideas and thoughts in their minds have been developed into something worth writing down, and what they have written down is worth reading.

The same cannot be said for an immense portion of their fans.

However, it is one of my other opinions that every single person on this earth has the potential to be a great author. The trouble here is a lack of inspiration. C.S. Lewis, the magnificent author of the Chronicles of Narnia series, had a happy childhood, ended by the abrupt loss of his cherished mother. Lemony Snicket has been running from enemies of the V.F.D. for most of his life, and yet he still managed to type up a Series of Unfortunate Events (it's a joke, guys…). J.K. Rowling was a single, less-than-wealthy mother when she penned the beginnings of the magical, complex world of Harry Potter on a coffee house napkin, basing the subplot on her own school days and experiences (PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong). That was sixteen years ago, back when us kids did more than sit on the computer, watch TV, and talk on our cell phones all day. Back when we actually had something to fantasize about, back when our lives could have been easier.

No, I'm not one of those forty-year-olds who are just beginning those tragic 'back-in-my-day' speeches… I'm just your regular teenager. But you've got to admit: It's true. We've got such uneventful, lazy lives that we have no idea how to create a purely original, exciting story significant enough to tell.

That's exactly why we have Fan Fiction. It's a new, unoriginal genre for the modern-day hopeful (yes, no matter how AU it may be, Fan Fiction _is_ derivative).

I'm not saying this is a bad thing at all. Fan Fictions are stories of their own, and I've been writing them for three years. It's given me something productive to do on those drizzly evenings at home or those sticky summer days spent indoors. But here's the clincher: It's the bad ones that give Fan Fiction a poor reputation. When well-written and intricately woven, a Fan Fiction can outshine even the primary story off which characters and plot points have been plagiarized. I've seen it done.

Now to the point…

This tutorial is for those of you out there who can't seem to find even the smallest bit of a true blue story, for those of you who scour the depths of until you begin to feel teary-eyed because you've just wasted three hours and the best thing you've read had to do with a Mary Sue and an enchanted bag of chips.

Good luck, and I hope this can be helpful to you.

Kyle Melavowig- Cliché Busters, Inc.


	3. Browsing

One of the many high-points of the Fan Fiction world is that rare, blissful moment when one crosses paths with a decent story. Now, the fact that my opinions of a good story can be completely opposite of yours or your sixth grade English teacher's may be obvious. But I am here for the sole purpose of making your Fan Fiction browsing one thousand times more pleasant. Or at least keeping your brain fully functional for the rest of the day.

**A/N: All comments are strictly speculative and do not apply to EVERY story or person out there. Stop e-mailing me.**

I don't know about you, but most of my browsing starts in the 'Just In' section of Fanfiction. Here, we can find a grab bag of newly published stories and poems from your Harry Potter 'songfics' to your Labyrinth 'Jareth's POVs'. But there is a more 'advanced' way to find specific stories you would like to read, or 'Specific Search' (Search, Advanced Search…whatever you want to call it). I've found that most stories nowadays are in the 'Harry Potter' category, so I'll use this story in my examples hereafter. That, and that's pretty much my area of expertise. I'm going to stop talking about that before I get all nerdy on you.

**Browsing**

1. Just In

There are several different 'Just In' browsers, but two really stick out in my mind: The clickers and the pickies.

Clickers- The person who automatically picks the first Harry Potter they see and read it, regardless of the summary or title.

Pickies- The person who looks through every Harry Potter posted and picks the one that to them seems most likely to not waste their precious time.

Me? I'm a picky to the core. And coming from experience, these seem to be the people who get frustrated quickly- all because of the poor writers out there. There have been days when I cannot find a single, solitary, truly decent story on this website.

Clickers (think Rudy) generally tend to read the worst stories on the Internet at times. That's about all I have to say about you guys.

**A/N to all you out there who get offended over silly things- I'm not saying either species is superior to the other; I am only bringing to light two points of view Fan Fiction readers may choose to read stories. **

2. Specific Search

This is an easy way to find exactly what you want to read. Well, not exactly- sometimes you could type in 'Hermione/Ron' and get a summary stating the following-

'**hermione gose teh skool fohr hur ayth yeer at Hawgwartz nd git uh maykovurr nd ron fallz ni luv wit hur!'**

…You get the idea.

However, I find this is the best way to scope out a good story. The trick here is to type in a more specific search. Instead of 'Draco/Ginny' ('**i theenk draco iz rilly sexxxy nd he theenks ginny iz rilly hawt nd thay mayk owt fer uh owr in da poshons rewm!**'), try 'Draco/ Ginny/ Quidditch Cup/ Gryffindor v. Slytherin' (I doubt this would make that interesting of a story, but it's just an example, eh?)(EDIT: I tried this one... doesn't work, anyway). The key here is limitations to your search… and, the more words you type in that are spelled correctly, the more chance of finding an intelligible story.

Stay tuned for part two: **Titles and Summaries**. Ooh. Aah.

-Kyle, the SFG


	4. Titles and Summaries

This may or may not be beneficial to you as some people never falter in their 'Never judge a book by its cover' style of browsing, but there are some times when one simply must draw the line. I promise, I'll TRY and keep an open mind…

**A/N: All comments are strictly speculative and do not apply to EVERY story or person out there. Stop e-mailing me.**

Part Two:

**Titles and Summaries**

1. The Title

Almost every story has a title, and this short but very important part can make or break a published work. Now, really think about this: If you were browsing through a bookshelf and you were only looking at the title, would you pick up 'The Yellow Puppy Named Frank' or 'Frank, Yellow Warrior Canine of the South'? The more exciting and advanced-sounding title, right? All the same with a Fan Fiction- would you rather read 'Draco's Love Potion' or 'A Drop of Love in My Pumpkin Juice'? (To tell you the truth, I might not read either, but uh…)

But there aren't just boring titles. There are also careless titles (in which you will probably find a careless story). These titles are full of typos, misspellings, AIM lingo, and grammatical errors (i.e. 'The Plastik Serjun' or 'With Luv, Hermy'). If an author has not the patience to simply go back and fix their own title to make it look at least a bit more professional, they probably haven't done so with their stories, either.

2. The Summary

A good summary consists of a short general overview of the plot of the enclosed story, the pairings, and any warnings that may offend someone. I'm not saying every person who isn't offended by (Fem)Slash, MPreg, or Character Death is offending **at all**, but there are some people who would like to know what they are about to read and have the option to choose whether or not to read the story (like me).

Here are a few 'cheats' into the abbreviations that are usually (and probably should be) included in many summaries-

1) Slash- Male and male romance (Can also use names separated by '/' or 'x', such as 'Harry/Hermione', 'RxH', 'DMHP', etc.)(These can be used for any kind of pairing, same sex or not)

2) FemSlash- Female and female romance (see above)

3) MPreg- Male pregnancy (Almost always a strange and twisted story line, but whatever you like…)

4) Character Death- Self explanatory (Seen in many angsty fics)

5) AU- Alter Universe (Usually completely different story line from the book, movie, or show, with the same characters, such as Harry Potter not being a wizard)

6) OC- Own Character (Seen a lot with Mary-Sue fics, butsometimes they're actually original)

7) OOC- Out of Character (The characters in the stories do not act how they normally do)

8) POV- Point of View (Can be a certain character's point of view instead of third-person)

9) 'Mush' or 'Fluff'- Sappy, romantic stories

10) Citrus- Lots and lots of overly-detailed SEX. (Usually poorly written, I've noticed)

11) OneShot or 'OS'- A one-chapter story (may begin to be used less and less as you can now add 'Complete' to the bottom of your summary)

12) R&R- Usually posted either out of habit or desperation, this simply means 'Read and Review'…meaning their story.

13) Post(Insert book/movie/show here)- A Fic set after the original story took place

14) Pre(Insert book.movie/show here)- A Fic set before the original story took place

(If you think of more that I didn't originally post, please tell me in a review! Thank you!)

* * *

A bad summary (oh, here we go…) consists of the following:

-Bad spelling

-Bad grammar

-The use of 'LOL' or 'J/K' or 'OMG'…your basic Internet lingo (I'm sorry, this is just tacky)

-The use of 'bad words' (There are younger children on this site that do not need to be exposed to such language)

-Failing to give some sort of warning for any of the firstten or last two of the above abbreviations (It's common courtesy)

-Detailing how terrible you are at summaries and to 'just read the story' (this is demanding, a bit rude, and says nothing about your story, as well as implies that the story within might 'suck' just as badly)

* * *

The next installment's coming up soon, **Skimming**. Feel the anticipation swarming inside your mind...

-Kyle, the SFG


	5. Skimming

And for those of you who've found a summary worth your time… (By the way, congratulations!)

**A/N: All comments are strictly speculative and do not apply to EVERY story or person out there. Stop e-mailing me.**

Part Three:

**Skimming**

1.The Infamous Author's Note

In my experience, I've found that the author's note can tell you a lot about an author. There are several different kinds, but we'll get to them later.

Basically, an author's note is just an author's way of welcoming you to their story. Many writers use these as a lengthened summary, and others use them to state why they wrote the story. Some use them as a way for their readers to get to know a bit more about the author's personal lives or opinions, and some choose not to write them at all. Any way you have it, they really are a useful tool to uncover exactly who you're dealing with.

Now, who are these cleverly camouflaged mystery-folk? And, really, do we _want_ to know? A good place to start is skimming through the story. Any middle-of-story A/Ns are big-time red lights, and anything longer than the actual story… You might as well go back to your search right now.

For the more complex and (what they like to think as) sneaky A/Ns, here's what I've come to find:

-The Incredible, Edible Cyber Cookies

What _will_ they think up next? Apparently, if you end up reading and reviewing these desperate (key word, here) authors' stories, you'll get cyber cookies! …Not true. This offer, while enticing, simply _screams_ twelve-year-old desperado.

-The Non-Existent Lead-On

While no author's note is attached, here, the first sentence is still something along the lines of 'Ginny shook the water out of her mane of fiery hair and whispered 'Let's go upstairs' into Harry's ear', 'Ashlee's eyes twinkled at the sight of Hogwarts, as did her diamond-studded heels', or the ever-popular '"LOL!" cried Hermione, "DRACO GOT SOOOOOO TOTALLY HAWT OVER THA SUMMER!"'. Steer very, very clear. Please, for your own sake. You're dealing with citrus, Mary-Sues, and morons, here.

-The Non-Existent Miracle Worker

Dear _God_ these people are wonderful. These are those heroes of the Fanfiction world that don't want you to know them from their mindless jib-jab, but from the words that weave together a beautiful story. They want nothing to do with you, they just want you to get straight to the story and then do what you please. I applaud you.

-The Complete and Utter Idiot

When they aren't painting their toe-nails, talking on the phone, or giggling, these oh-so-adorable (heh) morons choose to write Fan Fiction for whatever reason. Because there are not words to describe, I'm going to have to just flat-out show you exactly what I mean.

My first fic lol so no flames! OMFG Stacy WTF did you mean by THAT! Lol j/k gurl! N-E wayz I hope u like it! Its about Ron n Herminee (sp.?) when she fallz in luv n gets a makeover n stuff! ITS REALLY COOL! (r&r)

I think it's hysterical how I'm almost positive that it took them probably a good 15 minutes just to write these, too. But some things to notice before I start a flat-out rant: 1) Lots of z's in place of s's, misspellings, and loads of capitol letters. 2) No punctuation, besides the occasional quotation mark and an impressive amount of exclamation points. 3) More Internet lingo than I can use in five weeks. 4) Abbreviated short words (i.e. You u, Love luv, Any N-E, etc.). 5) The 'bff' inside joke that no one cares about (except for Stacy, of course). And 6) The inevitable self-assuring 'OMFG THIS STORY IZ SO COOL U'LL LUV IT!'…thing. Now, sit there and tell me you aren't cringing.

-The End-of-Story Note

These are the tricky ones, but mostly I choose to ignore them all. Mostly they're just reminders to review, as if any of us REALLY need reminding if we were planning on it, anyway, or another delicious-sounding offering of more cyber cookies.

2. Grammar

Alright, most of us can spot a grammatical mistake the second we see it, right? No, I'm wrong. Apparently, hardly any of us can.

See, this I just do not get. Half of all stories I flame up the wa-zoo could be a thousand times better if they _just checked their English!_ It's exasperating! I mean, honestly, do you morons _want_ to look like you've just finished the second grade?

Alright, I know, I know, I'm ranting. It's just- People, you've GOT to understand that Fan Fiction is NOT about people just writing whatever they want! It's about people writing about someone else's work and letting other people have the opportunity to read what you can come up with. And when other people have to struggle to understand exactly what you're trying to write, _just_ because you can't construct a proper sentence to save your life… Let's just say it's a bit tactless if you're trying to make a good impression.

On that note, here are a few tips on how to catch the grammatically impaired in the act, and quickly:

-Their first sentence makes very little sense, is confusing, ends in six prepositions, etc…

-There are more commas than letters.

-All but three words are spelled incorrectly, and two out of those were single-syllabic.

-The paragraphs/sentences begin with lower-case letters.

-More than forty-five semicolons are present… in six sentences.

-Four incessant exclamation points end ¾ of all sentences.

…and such.

But, think. If you really can point out more than an acceptable amount of errors in just a skim-over (I like to go with one or less, just because I'm a Picky), isn't it possible that this was just one of those get-an-idea-and-type-it-up-ASAP things? So it's most likely not even worth while.

That, and the fact that first off, this person apparently didn't even care about spell-checking, and second, they didn't even re-read.

Stay tuned for any next installments that might pop into my head!

-Kyle, the SFG


End file.
